I took these pictures of the ‘instructions’ they give you when you arrive, this is the first book, the main one. (The one below is additional information).

This is the second book, additional information, the main thing they point out in these booklets is to watch the mind, and label everything it does. So when you walk, label it like this “left foot, right foot” and you can do a very slow walk where you label it like this “lifting (left foot) moving, placing, lifting (right foot), moving placing” and when doing the sitting meditation you just watch abdomen “Raising, lowering”. Over and over, with the aim of increasing your concentration, and its this increase in concentration that delves into the almost infinite depths of your mind, to find realizations and inspirations as to the workings of the mind. They are worth reading though, these booklets, its quite insightful just to read the information in these, and it shows you how different a religion Buddhism really is.

There are many aspects to the retreat that are talking about in the above ‘instructions’, I can’t be bothered writing them all out but they are interesting, so read it if you like.

So I did learn that my mind is super runaway and fast, I see it as a gift and a curse, but I don’t think I would risk changing it for another mind if I had the chance, its super interesting to me. So I would be meditating and then suddenly i realized i had been indulging in some thought and wondering mind for 10 minutes or so before realizing to label it as what it was, a wondering mind, this is the whole point of it all, whatever goes on in the mind just label it, realize it as soon as possible. I was often are of this super fast searching just underneath my watching the breathing, my mind flicking through so many pictures, sometimes i gained a glimpse deeper into that, i got a glimpse of something wonderful, a knot of potential thoughts, a thousand potential things to think about, then something would rapidly leap out and block the view to its source. Once I even suddenly caught myself juggling in my head! Just juggling away, this i happily indulged watching my juggling in my head. It amused me greatly! It made me think about my juggling as something special. Not just my juggling, but all juggling, and all action for that matter, all automatic movement. When I juggle my arms move fast, and comparing it to the meditation walking i would find it very hard to watch each movement of the arms. So I was super keen to get out of the retreat and juggle and watch my mind when I was doing it! The speed of juggling is also interesting, i found that sometimes doing the walking meditation that i could concentrate for longer if i moved quicker than the very slow walk i was doing, i think its my quick mind, the speed of walking fast and juggling, it finds it relaxing, it ‘catches up’ if you like (Yesterday I had a great juggle, going as fast as I could, realizing that there was great peace to watch the body without really see what its doing, more like seeing all these rapid complicated movements as whole, I wonder what Buddha would have to say about this as a potential practice, watching complicated processes without getting involved, seeing them as a whole, using them to some conclusion like he did with this mindfulness, i kind of suspect it would lead to the same conclusions). Also whilst meditating i was presented with patterns that I wanted to draw, and drawing for me is a much slower process, very slow in fact, so its nice to have this balance in my interests. One fast and one slow. I know i’ll for sure never loose this vipasanna way of looking at the mind now when i do these personal things. I was doing it in way anyway, always curious to do something to my mind to see how it would react. Hence my love of traveling, wanting to put myself in new situations all the time.

I had some very tough times in the retreat, there were so many mosquito’s! Too many! One of the days it was so hot as well, very humid, i was dripping with sweat all over my body, and being eaten by mosquito’s everywhere I went, apart from sat under a net. In the hall however the electricity had gone off, so under the mosquito nets we al had for sitting meditation was like a sauna, with no fan to cool me down, i got very frustrated and went to my dorm, but there were mosquito’s in there! So i sat under the net in there and cried a bit out of frustration! Amazing that putting myself in this vipasanna situation caused this emotion to rise up so much, so much frustration at not being able to still my mind, but then after a while it passed and since I was constantly trying to stay with the frustratio, stay looking it at objectively, when it passed i realized rather profoundly the impermanence of these states of minds. A wonderful realization, this is what vipasanna helps to develop, the realization of the impermanence of all things. I had a wonderful few times meditating, where i got such strange feelings, stepping out of my body but still feeling it, yet not letting the pains accumulate. It made me realize with time all these feelings, pains, and emotions accumulate and cause more trouble than they are, this aspect permeates in many ways. For instance we accumulate predicatively reflectively. I’ll explain, we get a pain in our body from sitting, our mind then knows that if we move we can alleviate the pain, so we get a desire to move, our mind reflects on past experiences to predict a better future and then causes a desire for us to…well..desire! And its this desire which is the cause of all suffering, its so abstract and to actually see this is quite liberating (it leads me to ponder if a being is in pain from birth then would they ever actually be aware of the pain? if its one isolate pain that doesn’t subside, the body would know know different, i guess there wouldn’t be a pain then, pain it seems arises out of the contrast between two states). Anyway, Whilst in this strange state of mind I was in a very spacious zone where i could feel all the influences around my body, like i was in a wonderful art gallery glimpsing pieces in all directions, deciding which one to go and inspect, the vipasanna recommendation for this state of mind would be to watch the breathing whenever its the most predominant, and since I felt like I had full choice here I did eventually focus on the breathing, its tempting to just stay back though and try and focus on all things at once, but they recommend not to do this, I never found out why not, what would happen if you develop this state of mind, try and remain aware of all things at once, maybe if you develop ultra awareness for one thing long enough eventually you just become aware of all things rather neatly, this is actually one of the claimed skills the Buddha gained, not just awareness of all his mind objects, but omniscient awareness of everything, I remain skeptical about that sudden awareness of everything, like what does it mean? Was he aware for instance of the activity on a star some 100’s of millions of light years away? I think not. Anyway, this spacious zone state was a feeling that like had stepped to the side of time and was walking around a timeless zone, there was none of the accumulative nature that time has on the mind. Another similar feeling i had was ultra focused on the breathing, my main sensation was the pattern of my breathing, seeing the whole path it took as a shape that moved within its own time, a still shape in 4 dimensions i guess. It was so huge and that session of meditation passed very smoothly. A few other times I had these sensations of stepping out of my body, one time i had a weird feeling that I couldn’t seem to shake, it was a feeling that my right arm was on the left side and my left arm was on the right side! Weird hey! Another time I had a sensation that my eyes were just to the right of me, floating outside my body, very strange and unique and I couldn’t shake it, of course when I opened my eyes eventually it stopped.

Like the last retreat I went on there was a western monk who would give lectures, (along with a very peaceful female monk from Burma who spoke excellent English). I think he was Irish, he had a slight accent that could have come from England or America really, I couldn’t tell, but I do suspect Irish. I didn’t find out his western name but his Buddhist name was Vivekananda. When i first saw him, this western monk, I felt awe, respect and curiosity. But then a few things he said made me a bit skeptical, (I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t have this skeptical doubt within me). Once he talked about joy and happiness, and how all the meditator’s in there have the joy of the retreat, and sometimes one of them will have to go out for a visa extension or other such reason, how they have to deal with traffic and noise and so much stimulation in the cities. But then they have the joy of coming back to the retreat. But I like cities! I like all that noise and stimulation. To observe it all is wonderful, to be stuck in it can be hard I agree, but when you observe it without getting involved its wonderful for me! Its can be as wonderful as watching wildlife, whats the difference between us and nature anyway? We are perfectly natural, to think otherwise is a little bit self hating isn’t it? Another time Viv went on about effort, and how to increase your effort, thinking about the Buddha and his ways being a way to do this. Thinking about the omniscient powers he had, he said that since the Buddha was the only person to attain this type of Nirvana, where he gained these omniscient powers, he was therefore “The most special human that ever lived” he actually said this, but if your gonna believe in 2000 year old stories, what about good old J.C. superstar, walking on water! He talked about how he entered another monks dreams and gave him advice, and then he talked about this Indian holy man he came across near Burma. This guy he was told could do special things, one time he stopped the rain for a few weeks whilst the villagers built a damn, and sometimes when he meditates in-front of a bowl of water bubbles can appear in it, also when this guy walked in the jungle tigers don’t eat him. Well, sometimes it doesn’t rain, and sometimes bubbles do come in water, and quite often people don’t get eaten by tigers, and these are all just stories, and for sure I know how I can exaggerate things to make something appear more fantastic, and I know other people do so its hardly information that’s to be trusted, and certainly not believed without question, Viv never saw the guy do any miracle, but he did say that these were stories from the local people, allowing us to make up our own minds about them. To me this talk of miracles in certain contexts is cheap, like unneeded special effects in a movie. Already there are enough special effects going on in my mind and in life, I don’t need these tales really, I just need to stay aware of the uniqueness of it all as it stands (A wonderful quote from Douglas Adams is “Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?”). Viv also went on about people who do Vipasanna to just see what its all about, with no real dedication and understanding of the practice, people who lack effort and ultimately not enjoy the vipasanna and leave. This felt a bit like me, I did lack effort at times, and dreamed of the day I would leave a lot. And whats wrong with doing it just too see what its all about, he did say though that if someone is lacking effort, missing sessions and such this effects the other meditator’s which is fair enough, I see the truth in this, this aspect did make me put in more effort. He was curious to me though, this western monk, and obviously has a lot of wisdom and dedication and its to be admired and respected, but i think he is set in his ways, or more set in the ways of Buddhism, he is a monk after all! I wonder if he accpets that there are other equally enlightening path ways you can go on in life (he mentioned in another talk that there are people that have attained enlightenment without following Buddhism, yet these people cannot explain their enlightenment or teach it as well as the Buddha did), but then again Buddhism does totally kick the ass of any other religion (Hinduism coming a close second). My talking of Vivekananda in this way is a way to boost my own ego, I admit that, when we talk low of someone else and criticize them its to climb upon their shoulders within our minds, whatever elitism i’m accusing him of is reflected in me, however its not such big criticisms, it would be nice to talk to him about these issues I have, still, some things he said did clearly raise some questions about his mindfulness, and to say these things for an audience of learning meditator’s was a bit strange to me. I guess its the religious aspect of the whole thing which I do keep forgetting, Buddhism IS a religion. Even though its right near the edge of not being one. In my mind though this retreat pushed Buddhism a bit more towards religion than I thought it was. It is the most insightful one going though, its super good in many many ways. I wonder what Buddha would think of it all now? I suspect some aspects of it would give him cause for concern, seeing that he has enslaved some people as apposed to setting them free. I’m sure J.C. would be more let down by whats become of Christianity though. As for a fight between J.C. and Buddha, my money would be on J.C. he proved himself physically by casting out the money lenders from the temple. Buddha is all emaciated from all that meditation, this prediction however is nothing to do with me being from a Christian country, as I said before, Buddhism wins above other religions for me by a long shot. Its much more no nonsense and to the point, the way it talks about the mind is still very relevant today, and even more so what with our increasing scientific understanding of how the mind works. I think a culmination and joining of esoteric learning’s and neurological science could lead to some amazing insights, and ultimately ways to decrease suffering in the world.

The other meditator’s were curious. Its funny because everyone has such a serious concentrated look. And since we never really have half an opinion of someone, more like we instantly take whatever we see and it fills up the space for “One person” in our mind, i just saw everyone as struggling and kind of grumpy because this is all I saw when I looked on their faces! Either that or just a blank expression. I heard of few of the people speak when they were asking questions after a lecture and this was very interesting. All of a sudden they exploded into more fuller people in my mind. One woman from Belgium was very dedicated, she was planning on a 5 month retreat! I would love to experience that, maybe one day I will feel that curiosity strongly and i will have enough effort to be able to do it. Now though i’m way too interested and eager to do all these other things and follow all these thought pathways in my mind to conclusions. A friend of mine said she did this same retreat and when she did it there was a German girl who was there for 13 months! In the end she had to leave, but she didn’t want to. I’m not sure why she HAD to, seems a little like an addiction really. Vipasanna for me was/is a way to learn to understand and ultimately deal with my mind, not to run away from it, which she clearly was if she didn’t want to go back to the real world, because whats she running away from really? Surely its her mind! I wonder if she saw a goal with all the vipasanna? Was she really aiming for Nirvana? Still, I shouldn’t criticize, there is no way I could consider doing even a month there, so she has something that I don’t. Such concentration. I guess she has something special and she is learning how to control it, and vipasanna holds it together and enables her to control it nicely. I am more a being of chaos, the control is what causes suffering, like putting an animal in a cage I guess, let the animal go and learn from what it does i say, little touches and interactions here and there work well enough for me to gain more insight.

As I said it was super tough for me. But I feel great for it now, my mind is full of inspiration. And i am using the practice of watching the mind, and will continue to do so for as long as it appears useful. I have no doubts as to how useful it is to watch the mind like this. I believe some kind of mind watching technique should be taught to children, even it should be one of the first thing a child learns, show them that their mind will do things without them being aware of it and to improve this awareness leads to great things. We never teach anything like this in the west, to me this is a major travesty and we are letting down people by not sharing this insightful knowledge.

Any questions? (And Batty, Nope! I didn’t squeeze in any Squarepusher! The only thing I did which I shouldn’t was take a few pictures of some ants and spiders in my room )

I recently met an Australian who spent a lot of time in the area helping the people of Palestine all he could, taking part in blockades, blocking Israeli bulldozers that are destroying Palestinians homes, in the end however his positive actions were put to an end as he is no longer allowed to go into Israel, and therefore no longer allowed into Gaza or West Bank, what hope do the people there have, none really, only the hope in the rest of the world coming to their aid eventually, just like all the prisoners of the Nazi’s in world war 2, the only hope they had was that the rest of the world would come to their rescue, which they eventually did, this time though its taking a little bit longer, i’d say we are 60 years late.”

On you tube there are many more video’s one posted by both sides, both sides claim they are innocent and are just doing what they have to, yet still there is war and death there, so someone, if not both sides are lying.

A short movie after the link


Reminds you of them videos of all the prisoners in striped clothes being marched to the Nazi death camps doesn’t it.

(Press more to read the story that has really made my week possibly even made my month!)

This whole story starts when I was about 5 years old, and I started playing on my dads spectrum 48k computer, waiting patiently for games to load as the tape player that loads them spits out computer noise, I waited patiently and the noise sank in without a thought. When the game starts my little child mind lit up with beautiful fantasy worlds, built up from simple 8 colour graphics and odd bleepy sounds. It was the start of a beautiful relationship.

More games came along, in fact so many games came along, there seemed to be an unending supply of games, I was never waiting for a new game to come out there just seemed to be so many of them. And to this day I can remember, im pretty sure, almost all of the games I played on this beautiful little computer. You can even get an emulator and download the games for free now, which I have done many times over the years, whenever i fancy a blast of nostalgia.

So what im getting at with this recollection of the past is that I was a massive fan of the spectrum and many of its games, totally loved loads of them. So lets skip forward to….

1998! By this time my old Spectrum was pretty much obsolete, id been through the Amiga years as well (which despite feeding my gaming addiction massively don’t take part in this story, well other than feeding my gaming addiction), through the Super Nintendo years (no relevance again), and onto my N64 years, and to a game called Wetrix, which was made by a company called…….ZED TWO! (the story unfolds). This game totally blew my mind, it was kind of a Tetris clone, but involving water and fireballs, the idea is build walls on a 3d landscape with random falling tetris blocks, then water starts coming down, fill up the landscape and use extra blocks to stop the water leaking off (which is how your game ends) then fireballs come along and you evaporate the water for points. It was such an amazing concept, beautiful graphics, beautiful music and perfect sounds. I got totally hooked, one game for me would last easily over an hour and sometimes 2 or more hours, it got to the point where I would have to put some serious time aside to play it, that and get myself into a serious state of mind. Very quick thinking was needed and tactics were constantly changing and new ones evolving. It was such an amazing game, such depth, beautiful really.

And then, zoom forward tooo…

2001 (dum dum duuum!) The Fab Cafe in Manchester, Me and my mate Jay were supping beers there like we were doing a lot them days, and a bunch of guys sat near us were also supping beers, we all were having a nice time. The group of guys sat near us said hello, asked us how we are. We got chatting and they explained that they had all just finished work and were enjoying the friday night drinking beers. I asked them their job and they told me they made computer games!! I asked them what games and they said that I wouldn’t have heard of them, so I asked them the name of some of their games. They told me they were called Zed Two! And they made a game called Wetrix! They were blew away that I was a massive fan of this game, having spent many hours perfecting evaporating them little lakes, cultivating duck ponds for multipliers. We talked more and more and got on to their first games, again they said I wouldn’t have heard of these games for sure, the first game they mentioned…..Zub! (picture of it up there), i described in detail the game to them, they were amazed! It was a joyous occasion for all of us. They reeled off a list of loads of Spectrum games, pretty much all of them id played and loved, (glider rider was a massive favorite of me and my friends, so was Feud, Matt! these guys totally made Feud!). They then showed me a Gameboy Advance that they had just received from Nintendo, it had just come out in Japan so it was amazing it see it so early. It was a great night for all of us. All the spectrum games i put pictures of further up this post, these guys made them games!

I met a couple of these guys a few years later in a computer game writers meeting in a pub in manchester, i know i don’t write computer games, but i went along anyway and met some of them guys there.

Skip forward to 3 days ago, when i saw the name Zed Two again, i searched for their website but it had gone. But after a little searching I found their new website. They are still making games under the name Zee 3 check out their site (the Zee 3 is a clickable link for loads of stories and artwork from their back catalog of games, really interesting if like me, you played their games (I love the little story about the Zub character animation, how he drew in an animation that showed him flipping gun hand when he turned around, otherwise people would see that the character facing left and right was just a mirror image). Their names are Ste and John Pickford, they are brothers from Stockport! I emailed them and asked them if they remembered me from the fab cafe, Ste got back in touch and he totally remembered me! Said he remembered me well! And that has totally made my month for sure! Ste also has a flickr account with loads of beautiful doodles and comics, check these out for sure here

They are still making games, their most popular game to date is called Naked War, I downloaded it and I fancy playing it, I think all of you out there who know me and played games with me when we were young, we should get this Naked War game going on, as its a turn based 2 player war game that we email turns too, the graphics look very bold and beautiful. Keep an eye on the guys website as well, more games coming out and since I have loved quite a few of their games in the past im sure they are capable of greatness again. If Ste or John are reading this! Hello! Leave a comment why don’t you!

Here’s some stuff from their site

I don’t ever recall England arming its kids in such a way, I even recall stories of sending kids away at war time, but over there in the middle east they don’t seem to give a shit! They’re all doomed, at least until that generation of kids is dead. I say put them in the battlefield now, get it out of the way, looks like they want it, their parents want it, and they are ready for it!

A thought has just occurred to me that this is evolution in action, survival of the fittest. The stupid kill themselves off, I have always seen religion to be pretty stupid, so here it is in action, people killing each other of magical make believe entities, stupid and leading to death, its absolutely beautiful, evolution in action! It does make sense doesn’t it!

“Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

*Update* its doing it again, its also doing the same thing with another computer in this house, and my friend in Portugal.

The most perfect and beautiful Amanita Muscaria I found, and pictured!

There are lots of myths and what not about this mushroom. It is often said to be deadly, whilst it does cause a fever, its not deadly, and it can be treated to strongly reduce the negative effects. There are two main chemicals in the mushroom, one called ibotenic acid, which causes a fever and nausea along with hallucinations and muscle twitches, and then another chemical called muscimol, which doesn’t have any of the undesirable effects of ibotenic acid, it causes drowsiness and a dreamlike state. Ibotenic acid will decarboxylate (A carboxyl (-COOH) group is broken off, forming carbon dioxide and i guess one hydrogen atom) into muscimol at about 80c, however at around 100c muscimol is broken down into simpler and effect-less chemicals. Its interesting that this mushroom induces a dream like state since with me it simply invades my dreams

A few interesting facts about it :-

In England in times gone by a certain upper class would harvest these mushrooms when they were in season, they would then treat them by simmering them in a stew. Then they would all binge on them with the intention of having some kind of group lucid dreaming session. Whenever they needed to pass urine throughout the night they would urinate into a trough which drained off outside their dwelling. Waiting for this golden river outside would be a lower class of people who would gladly drink the mushroom laced urine also becoming quite intoxicated from the muscimol in the urine!

In Finland and other northern European countries there is a rumor that you can get high from drinking reindeer’s urine, this is because reindeers enjoy to eat this mushroom, and quite usefully the ibotenic acid would decarboxylate to muscimol in its guts, the desirable muscimol coming out in the urine, which would then be ingested by the urine drinking fun time seekers, causing them to believe that the urine got them high.

Its gained its name “Fly Agaric” because it can be used as a fly deterrent. It is boiled in milk then left out in bowls. For some reason this is said to keep flies away.

This beautiful mushroom isn’t so innocent after all. There’s a reason why it crops up in so many ornaments and paintings, maybe its creeping into other people’s dreams just like its coming into mine.

Here is a the song that influenced this post, there’s nothing to see so don’t go anticipating anything, its just the song.

And here are the lyrics.

you are a member of society
you are a member of reality
do you think it’s time that you are called upon
do you think it’s time that you are seen to be you
you are real
you exist
you are sane
you’re alive
you are here
you are fine
you are you
because you’re real
you think a lot about the world today
you think a lot about what to say
everything you say, it should be listened to
everything you say, well, it should be understood
you are real
you exist
you are sane
you’re alive
you are dreaming
you’re a person
you are happy
because you’re real
please show me what it’s like to be real
please show me what it’s like to be you
everything that is including me
that’s how it is in reality
everything that is including you
that’s how it is in reality
you have an edge of satisfaction
you have an air of satisfaction
i want you to tell me that it’s what i love
i want you to tell me that i’m significant
you are real
you have feelings
you are modern
you have feelings
you are perfect
you have feelings
you’re really real
you have feelings
you are real
you exist
you are sane
you’re alive
you’re impressive
you’re important
you’re smoking
because you’re real

For 10 days we would be sleeping on a concrete bed, with a wooden pillow, waking up at 4am everyday, going to bed a 9.30pm, there would be no talking!! at all!! 2 meals a day, and a strict regime of lectures on Budhism, and meditation, interdispersed with lots of meditation practice. The woman that told us about it (a woman called Lucy) said that for the first 3 days there would be a kind of mental static clearing from our minds, built up from social interactions and the likes, then it would be down to some hardcore mental introspection, i wasn’t sure what that would mean but April and Jonathon were well up for it, i wasn’t so stoked, but in the end i thought i’d give it a go, so off we went to Suan Mohk as the place was called. It was pretty much exactly as it was described, although when Lucy described it she didn’t mention all the lectures on Budhism, which wouldn’t have made me change my mind though, there was a lot of them though, it felt kind of like a Budhist recruitment camp. Heres what we were taught (there are many types of Budhism, this is just one of them)

All life is suffering

Suffering is brought about by negative thoughts (obviously) and desires, so for instance you want some cake, you can’t have it so you suffer, even if you have cake, it will be gone soon, and soon you will want more, replace cake with anything you desire eg. Love, Pies, Sex, Dogs, Traveling. Basically your dreams. As for negative thoughts, thats obvious why that causes you suffering, ie your scared of spiders, you hate George Bush, these things cause you suffering from the off.

Desires are brought about through ignorance, because the things you desire arnt really real, and you desiring them isn’t real either, there is no you to desire them, there’s just mental processes, which gives rise to a feeling of you, which gives rise to an ignorant desire, which gives rise to suffering, thus it comes full circle and a mental process wheel is formed, something like Ignorance-desire-attatchment-suffering-birth of self-ignornance.

So to combat this Budhists meditate, they try to empty their minds of all thoughts, all reflecting on the past (thus strengthening the self) looking into the future (quelling desires of things to come) and other thoughts. Meditating is a very usefull tool to quell suffering in the moment, and the more you do it the better you get at it, heres the steps we were taught how to meditate, they read a bit like lighting a gas boiler.

Sit comfortably, back straight, legs crossed or under you, or sit on a chair.

Close your eyes.

Focus in on your breating, breathing in, breathing out, following the breath from the moment you feel it on the tip of your nose to however far you can feel it down in your chest.

When you feel comfortable with watching the breathing, try altering it slightly and see how it affects you, for instance, make it longer and slower, or shorter and faster, or even faster and longer, and slower and shorter. (This we were told will probably be boring at first, and your mind will wander off all the time, its very difficult to stop your mind doing this, but after a while your mind takes an interest in the breathing, which makes meditation all the more interesting).

When you are a master of watching the breathing in and breathing out bring your attention to one point, that is bring it to the tip of your nose, or where you can feel the breath entering your nose, and wait there, this is called guarding the gate, which i thought rather quaint.

After a while of just watching the breath coming in and out of your nose, your mind gets stiller and calmer (heres where it goes a bit whacky) and then your mind gives you a mental image, and a warm pleasant feeling! So then you concentrate on this image, and try and manipulate it, make it larger, smaller, also concentrate on the feeling, disect that, when you are proficient at this, manipulate the image down to a single white dot, and your mind goes in on itself!

This whole process goes on and on, there are 16 steps in total, called the 16 step of Anapanasity, and the final step will take you to Nirvana, the perfect state, lost of all ones desires (no more dreams and hopes!), also though, no more negative thoughts, just a lovely warm glow. Now, i agree that meditation is a good thing, being able to calm ones own mind, and id always has some good things to say about Budhism as a religion, but to aim to wipe out your dreams seems a bit much, if we all did this the world wouldnt have any of the things i love, like music for instance, there would be not much point in talking to other people, everyone would be like zombies, albeit with a pleasant smile on their faces, smiling zombies (with no desires for flesh of course).

So thats the basics of it all, and i had 10 days to put it in to practise. From day 1-5 my meditation was improving steadily, i was gaining more interest in the breath, seeing little nuances in it more and more, gaining a mild pleasantness just watching it. Then on day 5 whislt guarding my nose gate with not much else in my mind a larger than life mental image of a silhoute of a face appeared in my head! and a nice euphoric feeling along with it! As soon as it came though i lost concentration, and it went downhill from there, i was tired from getting up at 4am everyday, i was loosing faith in the whole centre, everytime i saw Jonathon neither of us could hold in laughter, often spraying snot out of my nose with the pressure of laughs held back, i just wanted to be traveling again as well, i desired traveling, which was another thing, any desire i had (which would get in the way of meditating) i was being told was wrong! So it just made it all the more annoying (of course i was doing that to myself, i was being annoyed at myself). From day 6-8 i was getting more and more bored, so on day 8 i started reading secretly in my room, it was great! I couldn’t wait to get to my room, close the door and read away (i was reading Mr Norell and Jonathon Strange by the way), maybe it was because of all the meditating, my mind being empty, and the story filling it to each and every nook and cranny, it was great!

There was a British monk doing some of the lecture, a guy called Ken, although he did have a Thai name, given to him when he became a monk i can’t remeber it. He was a very smart, funny, likeable, influential guy. I always enjoyed his lectures, he had a very direct way of talking and always gave good funny examples to back up what he was talking about. However he being the one that most got into my head he was the one that also made me loose faith in the idea, before i really even had faith. The reason for this being there was something about his way that was strange, he would talk about shedding desire, yet at the same time talk passionatly about his own desires, and about his own past which was causing his mind to build a self, which was what he was trying to see past with all the meditation. He also had a few little digs at the meditation centre now and then, saying that you can’t hope to attain much in a place like that, that didn’t help me concentrate in meditation (maybe though he was testing us, i definatly think he was in some ways, he was a very smart guy). A bit more about him, he was about 50 years old, when he was about 40 i think he couldn’t carry on living the life he was living in England, even though he was very smart, and i think had some good jobs and some nice girlfriends along his way. He said after a bit that he left on a spiritual journey to India, then ended up in Thailand, becoming a monk shortly after. Now he lives there, fully fledged living there, no need for visa’s because he’s a monk.

Anyway, sheesh, im glad i did it, it was an experience, but just not for me thats all, i have so much more to mention about it, but i feel like ive wrote to much here and i don’t have much interest in writing more about it. Im a little rushed, im going to be going to Laos in a few days, and i have been sorting all that out, and i don’t think Laos will have such good internet access, so there may be silence from me again, don’t y’all worry though. Hey and sorry for the lack of pictures on this post, again a rushed time thing, not had time to sort them out and put them on, ive got loads of great pics i wanna put up as well, maybe tommorow if im feeling up to it ill sort some out and do another post then.

He had a favorite meal, and his wife had a special way of making it, only she seemed to get it just right. Every other day she made his meal, and when she knew she was going to be out she made his meal and popped it in the fridge for him, he could then heat it up in the microwave and enjoy his wifes talent whilst she wasn’t there. It was one of the reasons he was so happy to marry his wife, one reason upon many, she was such a good cook.

One night, his wife knew she was going out the next day, so she goes through the routine of preparing his meal, and popped it right in the fridge once it was ready, layer of cling film over the top. Then off to bed she went. Up to meet her husband like shes done so many times before.

The next day came and his wife went out, and he stayed at home and did a few household jobs that needed doing. When he first came to the fridge that day he noticed the meal waiting for him, he smiled a little. Around 3pm the phone rang, there had been an accident it seemed, a car accident, on the motorway. His wife had lost control in the rain, spinning the car, it was such a hard fast impact she had died very suddenly. Colour ran out of the old mans face, no one was there to see it, but it did, his face went so white. He sat down, almost fell down, his wife, his life, the car, the rain, a phone call, he couldnt think properly.

The funeral was quickly arranged, so quick, all so quick, he couldnt think properly. They had no children, it just never happened. They had a few friends, not very special friends, just people they would see now and then, and they helped with the funeral, he spent part of the evening with them, it was a tiring day, they departed. The old man went home, he was a little bit drunk, but it wasnt a fun drunk, for most of it he still felt sober, a cold sharp sober, that no amount of alcohol could break. When he got home he opened the fridge and saw the meal, he had forgotten about it, it was the last meal she had made, and the last she would ever make, she was dead now. Once it was eaten that was it, in a way it would signify the very end of the relationship, as for many of the years the meal had been part of the way the relationship worked. Could he face eating this last meal? Could he face life without this meal? Without his beloved wife? His wife had meant so much to him, helped his life, his wife helped his life. His wife, his life, the meal, all changed, all gone.

He could save the meal, for 2 or 3 more days, then it would be spoilt the taste no longer like the taste his wife would make it taste like. The sooner he ate it the more it would taste like his wife made it taste. If he ate it, it was over, his wife and the meal no more. The day had been long, long and hard, he was tired, he decided to sleep as it was hard to decide anything else, he slept, and dreamt, dreamt of the meal, of his wife, of the rain and the car.

When he awoke, his wife wasn’t there, all that was left was the meal, and he knew that was there. He was hungry and decided that his life is going on, his wife is dead, but he is not, he will eat the meal before it doesnt taste the way she made it taste. He went downstairs, right to the fridge and took out the meal and popped it in the microwave. and pushed, high power, 2 minutes. Ping! open the door, take it out, sit down, take a deep breath and start his new life with no wife and no more meal, this is the last one. Halfway through the meal whilst chewing on a piece of meat roll, a bit that isnt food? its paper!? He takes it out, its a note! he read it surprised.

“You bitter boring bastard, all these years making this fucking meal, i never forgave you, 20 years ago you had an affair, you thought i didnt know and I did. Well im leaving you, tommorow im taking the car and im not coming back. This will certainly be your last meal from me, your last god damn meal that i always hated cooking!”

What a small thing making the meal was eh? To him it was love, to her it was hate. Theres a lesson to be learned by us all in there now isnt there. Take care people, sleep tight.

Children of the world come together,
Hold the hands of your neighbor,
The world has lost its way,
Dolphins and bears die everyday.

Oh its the children who can save us now,
Their little faces will show us how,
They have smaller brains than us,
But the’re full of love.

All the violence hurts a child’s heart,
Then they go and learn a martial art,
Their tiny minds don’t understand,
That its a sickness destroying our land.

Oh its the children who can save us now,
Their little faces will show us how,
They have smaller brains than us,
But the’re full of love.

Children children, don’t forget the children, children children don’t forget the children……………………………..

My 2 words were verbacious and aardvark.

Incase you dont know what a google whack is, its when you get only one return on google with 2 words.

“Heavenly father, I pray for all who design useless gifts,

These gifts of chrome and coloured glass, or distressed metal, or crescent moons and seahorses, furry lights with feet, stupid fat shiny toasters, or shitty little shaving kits,

Grant dear Father that before their time has come, each designer shall know the solemn lonely pain of trying to pass a footlong gold cherub with spread wings through the pink hornless squid beak of the bum arse.

This oh lord do I prey most solemnly”

Here are some sunspots

They build up and up then when the charge is to great they snap “closed” in a way, often erupting and spitting out matter and radiation into the solar system in massive amounts. So every eleven years these sunspots hit a peak, each one erupting and spitting matter into space, 2003 was the end of the last cycle, which ended later than expected and had one of the biggest eruptions (known as solar flares) in recorded history, it wasnt directed at earth though, as if it would have been it is thought that it would cause major havoc with electrical equipment, mainly comunications equipment and other wireless devices.

A solar flare

The last big solar flare that hit was in the late 1980’s which hit Canada and caused blackouts for several hours, and ruined many electromagnetic based devices. There was also a massive solar flare that was recorded in the 1800’s which was just after the advent of early telephone systems, many of the cables and junction box’s set alight as they shorted out with the energy that came from the solar flare. The next predicted solar flare is in 6 years time, 2012, (which is coincidentally the year that the Myan calander, (an ancient south american race of people) comes to an end due to the way it works, which is much more complicated than our date system). Im thinking that this event is going to be bigger than any solar flare that we have seen before, and that it will be pointed at earth, but what it will do to us is unknown. Russian scientists have claimed that have researched events that occured around solar flare contacts with earth, and they say that murder rates go up, there are more cases of bad dreams, more arguments between couples, more confusion, more suicide’s and many other psychiatric issues. Now im not sure what will happen in 2012, but there is an 11 year cycle to the sun spots, which DO end there existence with an explosion, which DOES spit out vast amounts of energy into space, which if it hits earth WILL cause something to happen without a doubt. So if the solar flares of 2012 are aimed towards the earth then we are in for some major event due to our huge reliance on moble devices and other electronic equipment, could be though that again the solar flare will not be aimed at Earth, probabilty says it wont be, but if it is, wooo hoooo hoooooo!